This beautiful post is by Cielo Superticioso, from thecancervoice.net. Cielo started blogging in August 2017 where the only desire is to share her experiences as a cancer survivor until she becomes more committed and determined to start a campaign to strengthen the cancer awareness. This campaign aims to make the cancer voice heard in Asia, especially in Vietnam. And so it continues, The Cancer Voice officially launched in 2018, reaching out Vietnamese to strengthen the education of cancer. Read the story of this braveheart’s life to know how she survived her battle against cancer.
A Time For Reset
It’s been a while since I share with you all my stories.
Hi, I’m back! Cielo here of The Cancer Voice Asia – cancer survivor, blogger, and thriver. And in this particular year, I wanna unmask myself one more time to every reader who can read this blog.
It was just a few days ago if we say the word “last year”. And I may say that last year, it could be one of you had hit rock bottom as myself did.
I felt scared, found myself again being sucked down deep into a dark hole and kept questioning myself in the quest of purpose and passion I did in life throughout these years after beating cancer.
Once in my life, I survived cancer. I found strength knowing that I am still here not in a place where I should be buried six feet under the ground. And, knowing that I am still alive, I love knowing from that exact moment I could handle new tests and trials in life gracefully.
And so I did.
But, one I think I never see coming, I need to be lost again.
I am failing. And it is the most difficult moment to accept. The quest of finding my purpose and passion failed me. Whenever I can’t help myself but cry almost every day when I realize that anything I thought was good or special about me could not save me now. It could be my hard work, my personality, optimism, a little bit sense of humor, my perspectives – they can’t save me.
So I took my time to grieve and did these steps:
- I recognize the present situation that I am helpless.
- I grieve because I have to pour them all out.
- I start going to a few friends including families, talk to them and even asking for help which I never did for a long time.
Christmas and New Year – I was grieving. There are no days I was not crying. There were some nights that I woke up and cry and I feel scared.
But then, I try to pick myself up – bits and pieces, slowly, I take my time. It’s so difficult to be okay again. But I was trying. This time, I need to push myself stronger and harder. And I started to call a few friends and ask them if we can talk. Sometimes, I did not reply to the messages of other friends, but they are so thoughtful to be worried about me since I never sent them back my reply. It is another moment that I knew that I have few real friends that know me well somehow even I will not give them a word or two coz I was not ready. I was a mess and my head was all over.
Upon meeting family and friends, there were confrontations that happened. Recalling the wounds that were never disclosed years ago. More tears were flowing – but it helps. It is one of the ways for me to be healed again spiritually and emotionally.
I showed to them that I am weak, I am defeated. And the best thing happened after that is I gradually unmask myself.
This time, I dare not deny that I am not okay. Through the years since I start blogging, I think I slowly build walls from people that think I am already strong enough to be checked. They think I am invincible and an independent person who needs no more talk or check – but I actually do.
Maybe, some of them, I push them away because I am always denying that I need help. That I am always okay. Or maybe, they are meant to be a part of my past and I need to let go of some of the people I used to know to give space for what 2020 is bringing me. Maybe I need to lost everything in order to win anything.
It’s time to press the reset button – one more time.
It was January 1st of 2020, I started to become honest to a few friends who would love to see me and listen to me. I felt like, I was talking to them without wearing any mask at all. And I knew that from the time, last year, I was at a rock bottom, I never wasted the opportunity to come, see, and talk to the right people.
I maybe not yet ready to mingle, but I am still continuing my quest. I am glad to say that I dropped things I needed to drop and cut people that are not supposed to be with my new journey this year.
And realizing that, I may never change things by fighting the existing bitter reality but I can always build a new one that will make that existing situation outdated.
Years will pass and when the time comes after I reach another pinnacle of the mountain top, I will or might be hitting rock bottom. You may call me crazy, but with uncertain times when I will experience that again – I will welcome it in a heartbeat.
Because it is only the rock bottom that will teach me new lessons mountain tops never will.